i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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