is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
