Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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