don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
