you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
