This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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