just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
