I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
