i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Found your dick twin last night
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
