Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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