I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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