I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
