At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
