FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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