your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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