In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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