Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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