Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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