wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
