im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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