Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
