Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
