A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
