i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
