Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
