remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
