The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
