I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
