I'm so fucking centered right now
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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