K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
