I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
