Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize