I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
