According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
