Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
