one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
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im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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