I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
