The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
