I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
