I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
