Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
