pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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