I faked an abortion last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
