i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
