and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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