I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
