the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
