He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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