My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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