Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
