My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
