I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
