i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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