fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
