Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
