before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I intend to get homeless drunk
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
