If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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