i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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